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Meesh, Aspen,CO Age:28

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wFriday, July 19, 2002


Moxie's post just about killed me yesterday, she freaking took it down, but it really reached down my throat and gave my heart a tug that is for sure. I admire that she is able to put on a sad face publicly over the loss over her love, her soulmate, her best friend. It sucks to have to stuff your feelings down, be tough, smile, love on. Sometimes I think that if you stop hurting, you stop loving, and if you stop loving then it was never really love. Because by my definition, love is endless, it just hurts a bit less.

Me, I would/did just go on a mad path of self-destruction until I run into something headfirst and get taken out. Anyhow I am glad I caught it (the post) while it was there, it was probably one of those things like when I called my ex-boyfriend all drunken one night, got his answering machine, and said something like this, slurring a bit,

"No I am not going to leave a message,
because if I did,
I would probably say something like,
Where you used to be,
there is a hole,
that I find myself constantly walking around
during the day,
and falling into at night"


You just wish you could take it back. "WTF did I just do?" Whew, good thing I knew his voice mail code. But the thing is you have to grieve and you have to feel the pain, it is better than feeling nothing at all, it let's you know your alive. Cause if you don't it comes back to slap you around.. Better to cry then, than to cry a year later and have go to the therapist because you can't remember all the details of why you broke up in the first place, and you just go crazy over it, and cry more because you are so pathetic, you are crying and have no idea why (good thing I never did that).

Most of the time, though, you know when something is or is not going to last, you can usually see it coming a mile away. I got blindsided myself last year, just came out of nowhere, man, from nowhere land. My soulmate couldn't understand why I wanted to go to Europe alone. It was just something I had to do. I was meeting some girlfriends in Prague, and he translated it into = Sexfest, Meesh does Europe. Yes, I know it was just insecurity, I haven't met a man who wasn't yet, I am hot, little, sexual bunny, yes other men want to hit it, duh. You just have to deal. It is called trust. So he dumped me the week before I left, and I literally felt dead inside. I stared at the wall for about 3 days (mouth open) and cried till I was all cried out, didn't eat. I never felt like that before, guess that's how you know, you die a little inside. I thought for awhile about making the rest of his species pay for what he did, but I am not a bitter person, self-destructive, yes, bitter no. Good thing I was going to the land of hydroponics and cheap vodka. Spent most the time in a haze, writing, scoping for someone to help me forget, but there was noone, everyone paled (literally), in comparison.

When I got back I continued on my mind-numbing path until I really did hit the wall, actually it was a Jack in the Box. And that was the point. We could have worked on it, we entertained the idea, but I was just too proud and too hurt, to even let my guard down for a bit. Like, he thought he could just change his mind and decide, oh sorry I want you back again. Until when you know? You change your mind again? I got used to the idea of being single, enjoyed it immensely even. But eventually I realized it wasn't being single I liked, it was the thought that my heart wasn't going to be crushed at any moment with no notice that I really grew to like the most.

It is hard, it is damn hard.
And then you get to this point where you are so self-contained, you work out, you cook, you travel, you actually have friends, some bimbo you sleep with, your fucking hot, and you think, what the fuck do I need a man for? I have a platinum card that says I can buy my own dinner. I don't need anyone judging me, saying they love me for who I am, and then changing their minds. And then you turn into a cold, heartless bitch. Someone save me, you think. And then you think what am I? Some pathetic, Charlotte (SATC), Rules girl, who needs to be saved?? Suck it up you whiner. and you do, and you smile, and laugh, and then start to think of shining Tiffany wedding bands and clifftop churches in Hawaii, and honeymoons in Fiji....... and that maybe this is the one......

Just remember what I always say:

It is better to be alone,
than to be lonely
.


posted by meesh at 5:54 PM


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This site is purdy cool, Pick a theme and witness what big bags of speed can produce. Tried to use one as a signature, but it will only let me use 6 lines, oh well, and if you color the text they look even cooler.

posted by meesh at 2:22 PM


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Yes folks she is officially obsessed, a boy magnet she calls it, as if, she needs one, she drives a Mustang convertible and a Saab, not to mention the flying car, can talk to you about bullfights in Spain or the Vigo Mortensen's last exhibit at LACMA, but I wholeheartedly endorse whatever obsessions Simone offers up, as that is what makes her Simone.

posted by meesh at 2:20 PM


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Ok, if you have a sensitive stomach, you might not want to click this next link. Continuing in the tradition of rate my boobies and rate my kitten.......Um, can you say put a fork in it, please, cuz it's done. Talk about having some interesting friends, or gross, drunken friends, might be more accurate.

posted by meesh at 11:15 AM


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I am actually eating one right now, these sweet ones from TJ's, mmm.

posted by meesh at 11:11 AM


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If you are still looking for a name for that anal porn site, rest assured www.analpickingfingerlicking.com is still available. This guy and his friends have certainly got some time on their hands. Well better him than me.

posted by meesh at 11:10 AM


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Wow, Dawn Olsen, what a super gal, with a hunky, tanned, talented hubbie and angelic baby, she sure must have some good karma working for her. She always seems to say all the things I blush just thinking about. I am by no means a prude, but I know if she and I were friends I would be hitting her all the time going "Daaaaaawwwnnnn!! She's just kidding around really, really, she's joking!" I love that though.
I miss my friend Katy, she was alot like that. You could just go, "DO it Katy, do it!" and she would. There are definitely a lack of ballsy women out there in this world. I consider myself ballsy, but in a sneaky way, more stealthlike, shit I'd better not give out any more secrets, or you will all have to die.

posted by meesh at 10:54 AM


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Shit man, my archives have disappeared, WTF!??? Hmm, maybe they will magically reappear, but I think they are really gone. I don't remember blogging wasted and erasing them, but you never know....

posted by meesh at 10:30 AM


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Happiness is: White Tiger Triplets, all together now, ahhhhhhh.

Okay, tiger story, my mother is really into tigers, the same way she is into, like, straw hats, and fridge magnets, spoon holders, and all that junk (yeahyeah, one man's junk is...) and my dad is really into those games they have at the bowling alley where you drop the claw and get the stuffed animal, I mean he is the shit at that game (I am not too bad either, god I love being a winner!). Anyhoo, when my mom took over my old bedroom, she put up prints and calendars, and posters of tigers EVERYWHERE in my room. But not only that the shelves were entirely covered in stuffed tigers, big ones, small ones, white ones (all dad's booty).

When I moved back home I didn't think I would be staying as long as I have, so I didn't bother to redecorate. But one weekend I just couldn't stand it anymore, I took every last feline down, stuffed them under the bed, and covered all the prints with snowboard posters and tapestries. Replaced all stuff on the shelves with my snowglobe collection, floaty pen collection, and my marionettes, and my friend pointed out to my disgust, "Woah, Meesh, now I know where you get it from!" Doooah! Well, at least I can sleep nights without all those eyes looking at me.

Seriously though, I like my mom's junk, the spoon holders are the coolest, she has some really old ones, some of them bring back good memories of family vavations, "Oh the one from Yellowstone, when we didn't even see a squirrel, let alone a bear or any other wildlife" or "Oh yeah, I remember the ceramic foot, we got that one that time when we went rafting and I wqshed up on the rocks all bloody and Dad had to save me". Ahhh memories...

posted by meesh at 10:27 AM


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Ugggh, some little cam whore has taken over my E-Mail Hell box (hheehee, box). What do I do, maybe it is residual fallout from her original takeover, but I came in today and there was 50 sum returned messages from some bitch (I guess the bitch is me). Ok so I know better not to open, but why does this shit happen. Is my e-mail marked now as some porno princess spam whore? Okay maybe after that gross link yesterday, I deserve it, just trying to make a point, but hey, maybe it's not gross to you, if YOUR gay, not that there is anything wrong with that.....

posted by meesh at 10:09 AM


wThursday, July 18, 2002


In the last two days alone, I have read a couple of blogs (you know who you are) that are well, abusing the word gay, and I dunno it just bothers me okay? "That's gay-ass..." or "he's so gay". I know it's just a kid thing and I actually like these sites but come on people, I thought we were past that. Now this is gay (homophobes close your eyes). Okay, do we know the difference now?

posted by meesh at 5:30 PM


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Tony Pierce is my idol. Sounds like he has a pinched nerve or something (someone please hook him up with a kick-ass massage), yet there he is blogging away, posting heinous pictures of me, and just being an all around sweetie. No wonder he gets all the chicks. I am so not worthy. Just joining our show? Sign the Guestbook! Mark your place in history!

posted by meesh at 5:22 PM


wWednesday, July 17, 2002


"Nothing worth fighting for is free, "
Ignacio Yanez said, with his neck in a brace, his arm in a sling, and standing on 5 acres of land given to his great-grandfather 100 years ago. "The land is our mother who feeds us, gives us liberty and tranquility, without which we are nobody. It is not negotiable at any price."

When I first heard about the conflict in Atenco, I was thinking (really, I was), well why don't they just sell? An airport is good business for the town. They can maybe start a little bed and breakfast or something, stop toiling in the fields all day. I realize now, on a few different levels, why they are fighting so vehemently and violently for their land. Well, one, because the government is not only offering them shit for payment, but two, because they probably won't be able to even get that out of them. The government took some land from Yanez 15 years ago to build a road, and he has yet to see the few pesos they promised him.

And three, because of something I don't really know much about, but can feel in their passionate words and visions of them brandishing machetes. It is about tradition, family, culture and honor.

I didn't really grow up knowing much about those things.

All of my grandparents are dead, and I never shed a tear over any of them. Hardly knew my dad's parents, and I can't even conjure up a vision of my mom's (they died before or around (see I don't even know), the time I was born). The thing I remember most about my dad's parents was that the entire fridge contained nothing but red and white labels of Budweiser cans. And that my grandmother died in the same trailer my dad was born in.

The one thing I thought my father would pass down to me (as he promised) was his 67 red convertible Mustang . I just came home from school one day and it was gone. No explanation. I cried for days, still haven't forgiven him.

Right now there is a burnt orange 76 T-top Corvette in the garage but he knows better now, and makes no promises.

And culture, well being of mixed races (chinese/Idahoan, yeahyeah, udapimp), born in a town 70% hispanic, raised in Hawaii (a big pot of curry), and then back to the Mainland where I went to a catholic school for the majority of my adolescence, and didn't have to take Spanish class to learn the language, I didn't really know what I was. I didn't really look too asian, I was a hapa, and there were no hapas in the asian cliques. I was a geek (skipped 2 grades) but the geeks wouldn't have me because I spent weekend competing in beauty pageants and auditioning for commercials. I played sports, but only to get out of school early and get a tan at the swimming pool. I was a cheerleader but didn't date jocks, didn't date anyone in fact, not one date in all 4 years. I went to a dance or two, but I always asked the guy. I wasn't even a "real" catholic. I was baptized in 5th grade by my own choice. My parents became atheists when my sister died in 1969 at 3 years old, hit by a train. They would drop us off in front of the church on Sundays and we would skip out, offfering up the money to ourselves at the arcade across the street (only a couple times, I swear).

So what I am saying is I didn't fit in anywhere. I was chinese, but my mom couldn't even boil water let alone whip up some Kung Pao Chicken. And my dad didn't really even know what he was, anglo? with some american indian. I latched on to the american indian part and dropped it to simply American.

And to me, to be American, as I know it, is not to wait for anyone to give you a damn thing, that whatever you want in life you need to go out and get it yourself, that people promise you things, but they will let you down, so don't count on it. I consider all these things to be good things, I still trust people, I am just not shocked when they don't come through. My parents have alot, and they worked their asses to get it. I love and respect them for it. Really I do. We have a better relationship now than ever before.

Hopefully I will be able to share with my children some combination of the things I have learned and starting now will be a new commitment to family and tradition and realizing, what does that even mean, to me, to anyone. Well what does it?




posted by meesh at 1:09 PM


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I am a freaking genius, check out my wondeful little table of links! Ok don't be too impressed I just used this HTML converter software that comes with this other website I work on, but it is a start. I know I could have asked for help, but I am not much of the asking for help type, besides now I can say, I AM A FREAKING GENIUS!!!

posted by meesh at 12:36 PM


wTuesday, July 16, 2002


Other stuff I'm listening to:

Hayden - it sort of reminds me of Nirvana a bit, folk/grunge, Pixiesness, Girl of My Dreams(Bad as they Seem) is on replay, sheck it, Everything I Long For is the shit, Bet he's stoked on this picture. Site doesn't suck.
not to be confused with Star Wars, hot young thing,

posted by meesh at 11:37 AM


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Matty, you are too kind. Notice I haven't even figured out how to add links to the left of MY page. I think I need a new template.
Anyhow it is looking good, what is that a psychadelic golf ball? And what exactly is Flingus?
Your first link a Little Mermaid reference! Sweet! Just wondering how exactly, you look like Sebastian, though. Bloated, red, with big claws, and a Carribean accent??

posted by meesh at 11:16 AM


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I wonder if I actually order the Amazing X-cam will they stop freaking popping up on my screen?
And does anyone actually have a Bonzi Buddy?


posted by meesh at 11:11 AM


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Ever since I found out that John Denver's I'm Sorry was #1 on my birthday on 1975, (see what was #1 on your bday), I have felt this connection with the Rocky Mountain High guy like never before. Gone on a mad download spree. Found this really cool track he did with Placido Domingo, Perhaps Love. Don't know if I'm Sorry is a great way to start out life, I am more of a Leaving on a Jet Plane kind of girl. Did you know he had 50 sum albums, plus stuff he did with the Mitchell Trio, and Take me Home Country Roads appeared on 21 of them? I dunno, he's just cool.

Now the face that I see in my mirror
More and more is a stranger to me
More and more I can see there’s a danger
In becoming what I never thought I’d be,
- Some Days are Diamonds

posted by meesh at 11:09 AM