Saw John Mayer at the Santa Barbara Bowl last night. Not only could I not wish for a more perfect locale to see my newest crush, under the stars and palms, but the average attendee was blonde, petite and 19. Now why is that a good thing you ask? I missed none of the show standing in line for beer, cuz there was no line! And I could see right over all the little A&F girls, not that I had to because I was stoked with pit tix and 3 different colored wristbands.
He was so incredibly charming and delicious, my knees buckled underneath me at points. This little gay boy and I held hands and giggled like 8 year olds at a New Kids concert (when I was 8, that is), "He is soooooo cuuuute!!!!". Just call me a sucker for a preppie with an acoustic guitar.
Lost the car after the show and wandered a 3 x 3 block for close to an hour yelling to each other down side streets. Went to Epiphany afterwards and drank Sapphire martinis until they closed. Then talked our heads off til the sun came off. Love that drive home at dawn. Life is good.
So I was thinking about how guys supposedly really dig getting BJ's while driving.
I kind of wondered, "Well, why when they are driving? Aren't they afraid they are going to crash?".
Or are they just saying that, because they would probably take a BJ anywhere at anytime?
Led me to wonder something else. Do guys (or girls) masturbate while driving?
It can get a little lonely out there on the road after 5 or 6 hours with nothing to do on the road.
And Ok, I'll just go ahead and say it....
I masturbate while driving, and I had no problem what so ever keeping my eyes on the road.
I think if someone else was doing it though, it would be harder to keep focused because you are trying to get into the right position squirming around and giving them some attention. I am much more precisionlike, a little rest stop, kind of like stretching your legs.
And just think, if you pull up to a hot guy or girl, you can make their drive a little more memorable too (if they are down for it).
The first time I did it, I was driving to Phoenix. I had never driven that far before. I was getting a little tired after 4 or 5 hours and kept squeezing my cheeks to stretch a bit, had a bottle of water between my legs and thought, hey that's kind of nice. It kept me awake for the last couple hours anyway. (it was dark, no other parties involved)
Coming down the 5 last weekend (for those of you who don't know the 5 can be as hot as fuck on a summer day), it must have been close to if not 100 degrees. I was wearing this little drawstring linen skirt, and had a big bag of ice that my girlfriend had packed with a soda and some grapes, sitting between my legs. Runnning the ice cubes down the back of my neck and down my legs a bit. It was keeping me pretty cool. I declined to turn on the AC (that's for old people). I had my left foot hanging out the window. As long as I have been driving I have put my foot out the window, it is just a comfy position for me (I have abnormally long legs). I didn't really register the responses, I drive too fast to flirt or give the stink-eye (maybe I shouldn't use that word, but it's a nasty look, yeah Pennyworth, not a smelly ya know.) After about 2 hours, I slipped off my thong. Not exactly comfort driving wear.
Waited until the cars were steadily moving along, titillated yet a little scared at a trucker catching an eyeful. I drive a sportscar, so pretty much everyone could catch a peek, part of the fun (I drive fast remember). With a quarter mile stretch between me and the next car, I wet my fingers, and get friendly with myself. It doesn't take very long, 10 seconds and I am wet. Probably a minute, minute half tops, I am refreshed, yeah, that's a good word. Think of trying it with an ice cube, but shrinkage works for men and women.
Well just thought I'd share, great way to pass the time on long trips, beats punchbuggy that's for sure. Love to know how many of you
touch yourself on long car trips. I guess with guys it can get a little messy. Woah, that's an amusing image.
not drinking too much
Regular exercise at the gym, 3 days a week
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries at ease
Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats
A patient better driver, a safer car, minimal exhaust levels
Sleeping well, no bad dreams, no paranoia
Careful to all animals, never washing spiders down the plughole
Keep in contact with old friends, enjoy a drink now and then
Will frequently check credit at moral bank, hole in wall
Favors for favors, fond but not in love
Charity standing orders on sundays ring road supermarket
No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants.
I don’t know why someone hasn’t thought it up before.
You know how there are some days when you want to just put a bag over your head? Maybe you are PMSing and have a gnarly breakout or sunburn. Or maybe you just want to cry but have to keep your chin up (either you are just stoic or you are at work or maybe, I dunno PMSing, or all of the above).
Well I am sitting at work, having someone tell me like it is, too proud not to respond, too sad not to scratch back, just letting it all sink in. Don’t they say admitting it is the hardest step? Sometimes I get really tired of running to hide under a rock, don’t you? Well I thought of the perfect accessory for my ensemble today. A mask, a la Vanilla Sky. Perfect. No one can tell if you are crying or not. Maybe I can make some with built in tear catchers. They can’t even really tell if you are kidding around or not. Maybe you have a super huge Joker grin on your face. They won’t know. Maybe you could even wear one with a big grin built in if you wanted too. You would look so clowny, you couldn’t help but smile at yourself. And everyone around you would be smiling too. Hard to cry when you are smiling.
You know when you are crying and pretending not to, and trying to talk but it all comes out sort of stuttery and mumbling? I don’t think that is because of the actual crying part, I think it is because of the self-conscious part, people are looooooking at you. At your big messy, red, blotchy face. If you knew that they couldn’t see how heinous you looked, I think you could maintain a little better. Either way, what are they going to say, “Are you crying?? Take that mask off!”
And other days, well you just want to be like James Dean (or John McEnroe). You know, that solitary lonely guy all alone in the world. You want to be anonymous. You don’t want anyone looking at you, talking to you, trying to figure you out. Can’t I just fucking get through the day without anyone noticing me!!! You could even pretend you are a deaf mute when people try to talk to you. I would have the mad grin on under my mask at that point. Maybe I could make one with built in eyeballs, so you could roll your eyes all day long at people, but then I guess you could just wear sunglasses. And be cool anonymous guy.
Sometimes it is so much pressure to maintain. Either your composure, or your image. I am all for the mask idea. How about a Mask Day? Just one day where people could all interact with each other without worrying about how they look. I guess we kind of have that already. No wonder Halloween is my favorite holiday.
Intense dosage of Oregon has left my head spinning. The air was so freaking fresh it made me high. The water, cold and sweet right out of the tap (free! on the street, too, just coming right up out of the ground!). I spent a few hours one day looking really hard to find trash on the streets of P-town. None. But if I did see any, I would probably pick it up. It kind of looks like San Francisco, but smells nice and looks super clean. Mad love for all the cool people in Portland, Newport and all along the coast. I will be back soon.
My first foray back onto the net, will dive in soon. Many stories to tell. Did anyone tape SATC for me?