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wFriday, October 11, 2002

aRRRGH! I am so freaking irritated, and I rarely get irritated on Friday's.
I received a collection letter from this agency on behalf of some crapass Book Club who said I ordered some books, when actually they just sent them to me. Country Gardens or some, arrrgh. Anyhow, they expect you to send them back to them, paying the postage, or else you get charged.

I loathe when these people make you jump through hoops, send you all these bills, and then try to collect on your ass, when you had nothing to do with them in the first place. I know I shouldn't have ignored them, but I'm thinking, what are they going to do for 25 bucks. So I think it's been 2 years now and I get one of those POS collection agency notices.

So I call this company, and the guy on the phone is a total jackass. He says (just like this, I swear), "Oh Michelle, stop it, you and I both know that you're lying, you ordered these books, and now you just don't want to pay, isn't that right? It's really ridiculous and you just need to pay. No, I'm not going to send you verification of this. Come on, it's only 24 dollars, you telling me you can't pay it? Oh please, I'm trying to help you, and if you keep denying it, then there's nothing I can do ". And then he hangs up!

Now it takes a lot for me to lose my composure, and I hadn't been this jittery since the 5th grade, when the big fat nun Sister Pat made me stand out in the hall, when I said, "I'm going to hell? Don't you think that's a little harsh?

I call back, and the first person who picks it up hangs up on me. I call back again and this other guy puts me on hold. In-def-initely. Call back again, and I must have gotten the new guy, cause for the life of him, he did not know how to get me off the phone. I think the clincher is when they say, "Can I help you?", you have to say, "Yes, Eugene, I certainly hope so." Seems to give them this feigned sense of responsibility, like, yes, I can actually help someone today. Anyway, he's an idiot, too. I ask him to give me more information and send me verification of this debt, he says he has no other information.

"But Eugene, it says right here, that if I contact you, that you have to provide me with verification"
"Well you can contact them, but I have no information"

"But it says right here, that I must direct all communication to your company from now on"
"Well I can try and contact them for you"

"You can, well can I have their address, and phone number please"
"Um, well no I don't have that"

"Then how do you contact them?"
"Um, well.."

"So I'm supposed to communicate with you, but you don't know Jack, and you can't even give me their address?"
"You can look on the internet"

"Look on the internet, huh, well I'm looking at the internet right now Eugene, and you know what I'm looking at, I'm looking at the Federal Trade Commission website. Do you know what that is Eugene? And right here where I'm looking, it says that not only do you have to provide with the name and address of the creditor, you also have to provide me with verification of this debt and immediately cease collection procedures while you get on that. You think you can help me now Eugene? WELL CAN YOU?"

I think I made him cry. He was silent for a long time anyhow.

There not going to file against me for 25 bucks are they? So I reported them both to the FTC anyway. I know it's going to come back to me, and be like I ordered some magazine, and by doing so, I enrolled in their send me crappy Bargain Bin Books every month until I run out of trash cans plan, and hassle me so much that I end up paying their stupid asses just to get off my back. I wrote the letter disputing, I wrote the letter saying don't call me, don't write me, or I'll rip your throats out, but what next?

Will some well worded letter from my legal department do the trick? Don't they have to show me something I signed, or some kind of order form. It was probably like at Mervyns when I bought that food processor, and there was some disclaimer somewhere saying: By buying this food processor, you hereby accept membership in the Book of the Month Club (BOMC) and agree to pay for all the books you receive until you actually start to figure out what's going on, and send us a 9 page letter, and all 100 pound books back in the condition they were received or else pay ten times the actual value, and have your food processor ownership rights revoked. By purchasing this food processor you acknowledge and agree to all the terms set forth in this miniscule little section of the box that gets ripped off when you open it.

I hate those shady bastards. They must die.

posted by meesh at 2:33 PM


Warning: If you ever come across these two ladies in public,
back away slowly, do not run.
DO NOT look directly at them.  
If one-on-one contact occurs,
the results could range from hugely erotic to mildly devastating.
The last guy they came into contact with ended up tied-up, naked,
and unable to speak.  The police have yet to discover his identity.
When shown their pictures, he would only mumble gleefully,
drool, and get a hard-on.
Don't let this happen to you.

posted by meesh at 1:04 PM


Getting to know you…
Getting to know alllll about youuuuu…

I have been enjoying the musings of Hosemonster, Chris Ward for some time now. Why didn’t I tell you sooner? Well maybe I didn’t want you to know what a sick freak I was, or maybe I just wanted to keep him all to myself. Anyhow, the cats out of the bag, all the prime-time slots are linking the crap out of him, and just so you know, I saw him first ladies, OK?

And since he’s been sucking up to me all week, I thought I might give the general bloglic more of an in-depth look into the Hosemonster, the man behind the blog, the pisser behind the pot, the smoker behind the screen, up close and personal, if you will. But he wouldn’t turn his webcam on. So all I got was this lousy exchange.

hosemonster: so should we get started then?
meesh: ok
meesh: So Chris, can I call you Chris?
hosemonster: absolutely
meesh: A/S/L
meesh: No really, how old are you, where do you reside, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're a male.
hosemonster: i'm 23, i live in the middle of Illinois in urban development of a giant cornfield
hosemonster: it's an interesting place
meesh: is that where you are from?
hosemonster: i'm from Valencia, CA, about 2 miles away from Magic Mountain
meesh: oh yeah right on, about 25 minutes from me

meesh: So, Hosemonster, I'm assuming that's some kind of sexual thing, but you don't strike me too much as the pervy type, is that what you call your tool?
hosemonster: actually, the name came from a bumper sticker i had at my desk the day i started my blog. the sticker just said Hose Monster on it, and I needed some sort of strange name to put on the blog. it was the first thing i saw. i have no idea what it actually means
meesh: so what do you call your tool?
hosemonster: he never answers when i call
meesh: johnny? black and decker, nothing?
hosemonster: what do i call it? i dunno, i kind of liked the expression "little Hose Monster" I used a few weeks ago. but normally i don't really call it anything special
meesh: I call mine the one-eyed purple monster

meesh: What's with your obsession with toilets and urinals, some sort of psychological imbalance, like, did your mom leave you in your diapers too long when you were a kid?
hosemonster: that's a new one
hosemonster: the obsession with toilets is mostly attributable to Alfred. i wrote that one post about the guy talking on his cell phone while he was taking a crap because i thought it was pretty gross, and after that he kept bugging me to write more about talking to the john. so i did
meesh: have you ever talked on the phone while taking a crap?
hosemonster: never. oh, getting back to the original question: i was really hard to potty train. so that might have some impact on the obsession. and the phone is not meant to be used while on the hopper
meesh: why do you think they have those phones in the bathrooms in hotels? Order room service?
hosemonster: maybe if you run out of toilet paper
hosemonster: i wouldn't call up my buddies to shoot the shit while i was taking a shit
meesh: "Yeah, just come on back, I'm in the potty"
hosemonster: seriously, so few moments of the day are sacred and calm. that's one of them
meesh: sacred and calm

meesh: Is the Blondemaster really another person, or is that like your feminine side?
hosemonster: she is a real person
hosemonster: although i'm rumored to have a very feminine side, but the Blondemaster is not it
meesh: are you a blonde?
hosemonster: nope. i have short brown hair, more on the lighter side
meesh: You do have a thing for blondes it seems, correct?
hosemonster: historically, no. currently, yes
meesh: any explanation
hosemonster: i've just started, i guess seeing would be the best word, a blond
meesh: the blondemaster?
hosemonster: lordy no
hosemonster: the BM and I would never make it. too many complications
meesh: oh? former flames?
hosemonster: former colleague, actually
meesh: not a flame?
hosemonster: she's also the housemate of a girl i lusted after for almost 2 years
hosemonster: but not a flame, no
meesh: ooh, good stuff, so no attraction?
hosemonster: that's not true. i think the BM is gorgeous. it just would never work
meesh: So you are only looking to date women you can have a future with?
hosemonster: interesting that you should ask...
meesh: thought i wouldn't?
hosemonster: i'm actually really terrible at dating. i never make it longer than about 2.5 months with any girlfriend
meesh: is it you?
meesh: obviously
hosemonster: so i decided not too long ago that i wasn't going to get substantially involved with anyone, but all of a sudden that might be changing
hosemonster: and yes, it's definitely me
hosemonster: many of those relationships have been cut short by geographical problems. but sometimes i just get bored after that point. it's not something i'm particularly happy about, but it is what it is
meesh: ever been in love?
hosemonster: i honestly don't know. sometimes i think so, sometimes i don't
meesh: being 23, it's all coming back to me
hosemonster: my instincts tell me that if i was truly way in love, i wouldn't have these doubts
meesh: right right
meesh: I was going there
hosemonster: but i've really been nuts about a couple of ladies in my time, and i'm still nuts about them today, but it's different, you know?
meesh: Consider yourself a passionate guy?
hosemonster: very
meesh: some of your stuff is pretty passionate, but it always holds back
meesh: know what I mean?
meesh: It's so great to go back and read stuff you've written you know, you can see outside yourself
meesh: very enlightening
hosemonster: i do. it's not so much that i'm worried about sharing things about myself as i am disclosing too much about other people who perhaps wouldn't feel comfortable having certain things written
meesh: You share your blog with everyone?
hosemonster: not so much anymore. when i started writing it, i got a lot of people i know to read it. nowadays it just sort of gets discovered on its own. but i don't try and hide it from anyone, if that makes sense

meesh: So besides blondes, Do you have a type?
hosemonster: i'm historically attracted to girls i cannot have, girls who would never be logically interested in me
meesh: that's only true in the eye of the beholder
hosemonster: but as far as a certain type goes... i don't know on that one. so many different types of people can be attractive
meesh: girls you can't have
meesh: you can have any girl
hosemonster: the prevailing theory is that i really like the chase. my 2.5 month problem sort of supports that
meesh: so you get shot down, or go for ones you know you can get after a little chase?
hosemonster: i don't know. i go for the ones who catch my eye and leave me thinking about them two days later. but i cannot really speak to that one way or another. the idea of the chase never consciously enters my head, but a couple of my friends have put that chase theory down
meesh: What do you look like anyway? Scale of 1 to 10, what are you? An Illinois scale.
hosemonster: um, hard to say. i don't think i'm unattractive. i've had some people tell me i'm extremely attractive
hosemonster: but i'm not model good looking or anything
meesh: how tall?
hosemonster: 5'7" a little on the short side
meesh: just below average, ever date taller women?
hosemonster: i dated a woman who was an inch taller than me once. but normally i'm the taller one by a few inches

meesh: oooh, okay, so are you getting any?
hosemonster: mm, aren't we not supposed to kiss and tell?
hosemonster: she's a great kisser though
meesh: well if you can use double negatives, then you can kiss and tell
hosemonster: i thought i just did
meesh: historically speaking, let's say, luck with the ladies?
hosemonster: i tend to get lucky with women in the sense that i've been involved with amazing girls and i'm still pretty close with most of them. i'm lucky in the sense that they have all been really good looking and lots of fun. i wouldn't say i'm lucky in that i go out to bars and get lucky all the time, or even at all
meesh: nice, sounds lucky to me
hosemonster: i agree
meesh: are you a virgin chris?
hosemonster: no
meesh: just wondering

meesh: What freaky deeds do you wish more women would initiate, in bed, or the alley, or wherever you get it?
hosemonster: hmm. i love spontaneity. i'd love to be walking down the street and totally do the duck down the alley thing for a quickie against the wall. that i wish women would initiate? just perhaps being more agressive or saying exactly what they want. my experience has been that women tend to let the guy handle the directions in bed (or wherever), and while that's cool sometimes, i happen to like confident and assertive women
meesh: where's the strangest place you've done it?
hosemonster: have i ever done the alley thing? no
hosemonster: in a sleeping bag on an air mattress with my parents ten yards away with the door wide open
hosemonster: not an exotic place, but fun nonetheless
meesh: Do you like to talk about sex with the person you are involved with, or are you shy about it
hosemonster: i love to talk about sex. i love to flirt and use euphemism and tease. it's so enjoyable
meesh: No one woman ever taken control in the sex department?
hosemonster: i don't really think i'm shy about it, but i tend to use my flirtation in a joking manner to get you laughing and thinking at the same time
hosemonster: i'm not saying i've never had women do that, i'm just saying that it's not very common, and i happen to like it, or at least i have up to this point
meesh: Date any older women?
hosemonster: i LOVE older women
hosemonster: when i was 21 i dated a 29 year old
meesh: rockin?
hosemonster: it lasted for 2.5 months
hosemonster: the sex was very good, yes

meesh: So I was checking out your referrer logs and someone found your site by searching for Chris Ward porno movies. Is there anything you want to tell me about that?
hosemonster: the fisting guy!
hosemonster: check out www.powerfist.com
meesh: So we're supposed to believe it's just some other Chris Ward, o-kay.
hosemonster: sophomore year of college my roommate and i were drunk and he decided to enter my name into a web search engine, and we discovered Powerfist.com and learned that i am really a gay porn star and fisting enthusiast
meesh: Is that your real name, or did you just choose it for it's porno power?
hosemonster: that's my real name
meesh: SO they stick their fists up each other's asses?
hosemonster: that's what i'm assuming. even though i'm apparently a fisting enthusiast, i've never done it myself
meesh: okay, all kinds of freaky shit out there.
meesh: There was also a search for half-naked preteen boys. Sure you don't want to tell me anything?
meesh: your #20
meesh: scary, huh
hosemonster: my name is being dragged through the mud on the Internet. it's only a matter of time before the FBI is knocking on my door.

meesh: So I see that you're linked on Samizdata. Because..... well, you know I read Samizdata
meesh: Is it because you said God Damn George Bush once? (love that post by the way)
hosemonster: thanks. i didn't even know i was linked on there. exciting.
hosemonster: must be a mistake
meesh: so you didn't have to kiss ass for that link, well that's always nice
hosemonster: i left a comment on his 9-11 page with the pictures on it, and i linked to it, maybe he saw traffic coming in or something
meesh: nice

meesh: I love the variety you have in your topics
meesh: a little politics, urinals, and women
meesh: what's next?
hosemonster: most of the writing i do in my blog happens in the shower
hosemonster: i just write whatever comes to me
meesh: really? Cause my computer doesn't work in the shower
hosemonster: i have a bunch of posts i have to do about all my ex-girlfriends before the end of the month
hosemonster: i do my best thinking in the shower. that's where i get my random ideas from
meesh: Ok, I don't even want to know

meesh: Do you want to be big time? blogger that is
hosemonster: i see. how big time is big time?
meesh: tony pierce 1000, or insta 50, 000
hosemonster: i guess i wouldn't mind it. i love seeing that people are reading my stuff and leaving comments and linking to it, etc. but my favorite part about having a blog is just the writing itself
meesh: definitely, keep it real
hosemonster: i don't think i have the exposure to ever be big time
meesh: not hard to do, if you really want to, your a great writer
hosemonster: many thanks
hosemonster: see, if you go into it trying to get attention here and there, i think your writing suffers, because then you think, "is this interesting enough that Instapundit will link to it" or some thing like that
meesh: yeah, it's a schmeal, I am certainly not in with the cool kids
meesh: I love doing my thing though
hosemonster: there's definitely different sub groups of blogs out there
meesh: can I be in your clique?
hosemonster: you already are
meesh: heehee

meesh: ever going to post pics of yourself?
hosemonster: perhaps some day
meesh: love how you always change your photo
meesh: takes a while to catch on
meesh: I thought you were the 'tard looking samoan forever

meesh: nice. Well I know this is supposed to be me interviewing you, but is there anything you want to know about me?
hosemonster: a million things. but that's why you're going to grant me an interview for a later date, right?
meesh: okay, be gentle with me
hosemonster: i'll try
meesh: do some naughty things, so I can be shocked in the meantime
hosemonster: very well. just for you
hosemonster: i might even write about them
meesh: how will I know they're true
hosemonster: you won't
meesh: ahhh
hosemonster: but there's usually more than a little bit of truth in just about everything i write
meesh: I'll have to add some scandalous things on my own
hosemonster: thanks. this was fun. have a good weekend, and rest up
meesh: yeah, no

So that was it. Frighteningly normal, huh?
You can catch up on the Urinal Diaries: here, here, and here.

posted by meesh at 9:22 AM

wThursday, October 10, 2002

Who likes the banana flavored Runts? Cause I don't.

If any of you are ever at LAX on a Wednesday night and dying for some space age entertainment, head on over to the Encounter Restaurant. Entertaining, in and of itself, the food doesn't suck (bad), views of the trippy illuminated beacons, and yes! the planes! Anyhoo, they have this "Lounge" singer there, Vava Voom, dressed in pink latex with a belt that shot the Milky Way onto the ceiling, singing bluesy outer space tunes, like He used to Love Me, Then he found out I was an Alien and delivering such zingers as You like my shoes? I got them at Orion's Belt....and shoes!!?!! harharhar.

Anyway, went to pick up my dad at the airport last night. Actually I slept the whole way (no, I wasn't driving). Don't think I will be doing the driving thing for a while. Back to good old Amtrak.

So Dad. Airport. He got back from Zimbabwe last night, and I don't know how he knew! But I got those stone carved kissing giraffes I had been craving. Yeah, cool.

Sometimes I get sick hearing about other people's trips:

And then when we got back, I go out onto the lanai, and there was a monkey sitting in each chair.....hahha..
And those warthogs, just come right up onto the hotel lawn and eat the grass and then..
So I was feeding this baby tiger, and it bit my finger, and all the other baby tigers started attacking me....
So the official exchange rate is 58 to 1, but if you go out on the street you can get 700 to 1, so my drinks were like 50 cents......
SO I was sitting next to the Zimbabwean minister of Tourism, who invited us to this reception honoring these other Americans who came in from Chicago, and this guy starts speaking (turns out it's W. Deen Mohammed, son of Elijah), talking about how the white man has been stealing their land forever, and he could relate to his brothers...and I look around and John and I are the only white people in the room....

Ok, so I guess I wasn't envious of that part.

Banana Runt anyone? Or how about an Apple Pie with That? (Ding, Fries are done) thanks to the elusive Matty for the link.

posted by meesh at 4:02 PM

wWednesday, October 09, 2002

  Bette Davis Eyes

I have been listening to this song over and over and over and over. The Duets version specifically. Gwyneth sounds like an angel singing it, not to mention looks like one in the movie. Funny, cause it's my favorite karaoke song as well. The song was actually written in 1974 by Donna Weiss and Jackie DeShannon, and was first sung by DeShannon on her "New Arrangement" album that year. Kim Carnes released it in 1991, and it won a grammy for song of the year, and the record (record!), won album of the year.  If you haven't Kazza'd it, it's very, very sexy. check it. (*Yep, that's Kim, and Bette in the pic)

***1991? how did I? what the..? I meant '81

Her hair is Harlow gold,
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes
She'll turn her music on
You won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious
And she knows just what it
Takes to make a pro blush
She got Greta Garbo Stand off sighs,
she's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on her throne
She got Bette Davis eyes
She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come out blue
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you
When she snows you
Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you
She's ferocious
And she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy,
she's got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious
And she knows just what it Takes to make a pro blush
All the boys Think she's a spy,
she's got Bette Davis eyes

posted by meesh at 4:00 PM


hey meesh :)

so, it's true what you say about girls not liking to give blowjobs because
of performance anxiety. For one thing - I have no idea what it feels like
to get one, obviously, so shy of renting a lot of porn and studying it
for technique, what's a girl to do? If you're fortunate enough to be in a
stable trusting relationship with someone, it's easy enough to be like
"Okay, teach me what you like" but you know, a lot of times you just want
to impress right off the bat. First impressions and all. Seriously,
if someone offered a seminar on "Proper Oral Technique" with clean, handsome,
personable teachers to practice on - I think this could be the next big thing!
Anyway my real question, I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to offer
the ladies out there a few pointers. Speed? length of stroke? tongue
action? It's all beyond me.

Thanks :)

Elisa, Insufferably Delightful

Well! any takers! You can reach Elisa at....hahaha. Hmm, again hon. I am certainly no expert, but I have had one very handsome, personable teacher who has allowed me to, uh, practice on him this last year and a half. I was never big on the blowjob myself, it took a lot of positive feedback to make me feel confident in my abilities. There are dozens of reference articles you can check out to get an idea of what goes into a good blowjob, and I will share with you this one technique that makes my man's eyes roll way back into his head, I call it churning butter.

First of all, I wouldn't suggest swallowing a guy's load as a way to make a good first impression. You can't tell by looking at it, if his pink noodle is healthy, and any man will tell you a blowjob with a condom is damn near worthless. Unless you have been stalking him for the last 6 months, or know he was just released from the seminary (and even then, still) you really should get to know a guy, his sexual habits, his certificate of clean bill of health before going one-on-one with the one-eyed monster.

This site, sexuality.org provides a very comprehensive tutorial on the art of fellatio, and it's not too over the top. For a more personal view of oral sex, I really liked Dawn's description of BJ's, she is after all a Black Belt Super Secret Ninja BJ Voodoo Master. She makes it seem very fun and playful, and it is!

Ok, so here we go. It's important to wait for just the right moment, before venturing south. I like to make it a surprise, like Christmas! I almost never do it when he asks, like I'm supposed to perform on command? nuh-uh. A lot of kissing, grazing the region with your hand, giving it some unsolicited attention. Then I start to make my way down, kissing his neck, shoulder blades, chest, pausing on the nipples to suck and nibble a bit, use my tongue to trace down the abs, and stopping at the belly button. I LOVE the belly button, it seems to have the other end of the pelvic receptors, it makes me tickle down there anyway.

As I touch and kiss his sides, I slowly reach down and begun to unbutton, reach my hands down, give it a graze, featherlight touches, until he is jumping out of his pants. I tease with my hands while continuing to kiss down to his inner thigh. Using just my thumb and index finger in an OK position, I trace along the tip of his penis, until I find the supersensitive spot under the hood. (If looking directly at a semihard penis, it is directly underneath the tip). I continue this until it starts to respond to the pressure (emits some lubrication) and begs for more. Using this liquid, I move my hand further and further down the shift, encircling now with my entire hand and ranging from slight to moderate pressure. They do make lubes that are supposedly pleasant tasting but I've never tried them.

As soon as your ready, slowly cover the tip of the penis with your mouth, and using circular motions with your tongue, trace the tip, giving extra attention to that extrasensitive spot. Don't try to swallow the whole thing at this point, your just getting friendly with it. Continue to slowly stroke the shaft with your closed hand, alternating with the OK to the closed hand. Start to take a little more into your mouth at a time, using the same tongue circling combined with light sucking, obviously you are going to be breathing through your nose at this point. Now, you are at no point trying to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. It is going to be the combination of your hand and mouth movement that will create the perfect suction. Your hand at this point should be used as an extension of your mouth. Keep your thumb and pointer finger up against your lips. There really isn't such a thing as too fast as long as you are keeping contact with your tongue, lips, and mouth.

At this point, we have still been using only one hand. When you sense he is getting really hot and dying for a little more pressure. Here is where the churning butter move will come in. Using both hands now, you are going to make a motion similar to a cross between milking a cow and starting a fire with twigs. Hands in unison with the up/down motion of the mouth will stroke in opposite directions from each other. Same up/down direction, opposite side to side direction. Hands closed, alternating moderate to heavy pressure. You get me? I don't know how I invented this (or maybe I didn't), but as soon as I started it, he made sounds I had never heard before.

You will be able to tell whether he is ready to blow or not, but if you get tired, lay off the sucking and just use your hands, one or both, using jacking off motions (I liken it to if you are trying to shake water off of your hands, focus above the wrist, not the whole hand) making sure to go all the way up and over the tip, maybe concentrate on just the tip with your OK fingers. It will probably take a few rounds of this until you find just the right pressure and speed to bring him to orgasm. Once you get a little more practice, you can tease him by laying off as he nears orgasm, and starting up again.

To swallow, or not to swallow? Well it IS kind of an acquired taste, whatever you do, don't spit it out and make gagging ewwwww noises. Imagine going from that nice, warm, wet mouth to the...well.... to nothing. If you're going to hold it in your mouth, you'll probably spit it out, so just be prepared to swallow, or pull out right before, keep the hand motion steady and look out for the bukkake.

Well, that's the jizt of it Elisa, you can combine fellatio with a number of other acts to make it more interesting (69, vibrators, intercourse), and I'm sure the guys will have plenty of tips to offer up as well. The most important thing is that YOU feel comfortable doing it. A lot of eye contact and moaning can go a long way in his pleasure (and moaning creates a nice humming vibration that feels incredible, so I hear). Don't be afraid to ask questions. "Like this? Harder? What do you want me to do? Do you like that?". You will certainly get a "feel" for how much he is enjoying it. If you follow these "tips" (man I crack myself up), I am sure you will make an outstanding impression, and hey, maybe you'll find some guy out there who needs help with his technique, and you guys can be study buddies!

posted by meesh at 1:17 PM

wTuesday, October 08, 2002

I am, and pretty much always will be, a daddy's girl (No, not the sugar daddy's).

Whenever I had a problem, I knew I could always count on my daddy to help me, to pick me up, to bail me out, no questions asked.

When I told him I wanted to skip 8th grade because there was this boy I really liked, who was moving on to high school, he said, "Go for it". When I ran away to Ensenada for 2 weeks at 16, and decided I'd had enough tacos, Coronas, and sandy beaches, I called and he was there the next day. When I put my exes head through the wall, when he got a little too close to the definition of abuse, daddy pulled all the strings he had to get me out of jail, and make sure that SOB never came near me again.

Dad was a Chief Warrant Officer in the Seabees. He built hospitals, landing strips, and bases out of jungles. He spent nearly 2 years on a solitary top-secret mission in Vietnam with only a monkey to keep him company. Before that he raised his 7 younger brothers and sisters and kept the family of 14 out poverty by quitting school at 12 and busting his ass to make ends meet. Basically, my dad is the shit.

He's been in Zimbabwe for the last week doing God knows what, and doesn't get back for a couple days. When he asked me what I wanted, I said, "Daddy I want you not to kill anything." Done, he said. and I believe him.

So it was all the more troubling to undergoe this terrifying ordeal, be sobbing and bleeding on the side of the road, lights of the oncoming traffic blinding me, my car smoking, liquid dripping like it's going to go up in flames at any moment, call my house and get mother on the phone. Mom can barely navigate her way across town, let alone rally the troops to come to save Meesh.

I do, fortunately have some other able-bodied men in my family. When they asked me what I wanted to do with the car, I said, "Just leave it there. I don't want to look at that thing ever again." They said, "No, you have to do this and this and then we'll do this" Okay, whatever, knock yourselves out.

My half-sister (who I am actually really close with) said to me, "Why are you so ungrateful? Can't you see everyone around you doing all these things for you, what do you think your special?"

I said, "Yes, actually I do think I'm special, and I'm sorry that you don't, because I think you're special."

See, she never had a daddy like mine. Her dad left her to fend for herself at 14, and her mom (my mom), ran off with my dad when she was little more than a toddler.

Not that my sister isn't the bomb, she's a genius for one, and a millionaire, but she knows nothing but hard work, discipline and supporting her family. All good things, but what she lacks is knowing how to have fun, be a little selfish, and following her heart.

So yeah I DO think I'm special, my daddy told me so.

And I doubt I will set women's lib. back a hundred years by saying that I DO like having a man to take care of me. Not saying that I NEED one mind you, but I LIKE it. And I love to take care of a man right back. I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I rub feet and backs, I host, I shop and maybe someday I'll even take care of kids. Maybe.

And maybe I am delirious in thinking that men actually like to take care of women, too. Car stuff? Of course I can check my own oil, but for some reason I think men dig it. Barbeque? I don't even know how to turn the thing on. Pick up the dog shit? take out the trash? I haven't done any of those thing in 7 or 8 years, and I won't if I can help it. So yeah, I like to have men do things for me, but there is one more thing: They have to not give me any attitude when they do it either, I HATE that. I feel like I more than adequately keep up my end of the relationship by simply being charming, helpful, witty, a great bartender and a damn good cook (both to daddy, and the boyfriend). Nothing to comfort my man would be unreasonable. 

Ready to move into that role full-time? I don't think so. I love the balance I have in life right now, with a guy who thinks he wants to take care of me, and me living independently, making my own choices, rolling my own dough, deciding when and how I want a man around. Eventually I think that all might change, but as for now, I don't think life can get much better.

(if I contradicted myself at all here, duh, I'm a Libra, I want it all, and I actually believe that's possible, yeah rambling post, it's the painkillers)

posted by meesh at 2:54 PM

wMonday, October 07, 2002

Hello everyone.
Exhaustingly fun weekend. Stayed at the glorified motel the Standard on Sunset on Friday (if Warhol did furnishings for Target, it would look like the Standard). Moved on over to a suite at the Mondrian on Saturday, which made the Standard look like a dump. Had the big fluffy down couches, kitchenette, jacuzzi tub, they don't even let you get your own ice.

Hope to elaborate at some point. But I ended up totaling my car on the way back up to the Central Coast last night. I was, in a word, terrified. The tire blew out going 70 miles an hour in the 2nd fast lane. Thank God I didn't hit anyone else. The air bag went off and scraped the shit out of my arms. Something exploded inside the car or something, because the fender kind of looked like that Twilight Zone episode with the monkey on the wing of the plane, all the wires and shit were just blown out, and ripped all to pieces. And my back will take a few weeks of yoga to get back in line. But basically I am OK.

So trying to deal with that today. Can't find the stupid title anywhere, so I can have it hauled of to car heaven, or maybe in my car's case, hell. But it had a good life, served it's purpose, and must have been some sort of sign from God, because I was planning on selling it this month anyway. Arrrghh. So just do your best today everyone, and I DO have some really super pics to share, the one of me getting my Bday spanks is pretty titillating (I like that word!)

*trying to smile but it makes my body hurt*

posted by meesh at 10:48 AM