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"You may not be able to change the world, but at least you can embarrass the guilty." -- Jessica Mitford


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Meesh, Aspen,CO Age:28

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wSaturday, April 19, 2003

It's the littlest things that make me breakdown these days.
I just can't help.
I AM a strong woman,
wish I was independent, apparently not,
but hey at least I thought I was still strong.

I think it's a Libra thing,
we are happiest in relationships.
We make great partners,
we balance,
and do I need to tell you....
AmAZIng in the sack.
I want so bad to make someone so incredibly happy.
Maybe I just forget what it's like to be independent.
Maybe I never have been.

Things that made me breakdown today (in tears):

1. I saw this woman came in with the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, dressed in a little handknit pink cardigan hoody.
Will that ever be me? being able to just stare into those innocent, loving, trusting eyes that just depend on you for life and joy.
Stare at them for hours and hours and just feel complete happiness. Not to mention she had the adoring husband, adoring her.

2. Twice today people discussed weddings in front of me. Talking about hairdos, And I said, "when I get married...I want my hair to be long and straight and natural with a ringlet of baby roses...." then I stopped and realized that may never ever happen, and started crying.

3. My girlfriend spent half the day creating an Easter basket for her boyfriend, went all out, themed it and all, and was going on about how they were staying at the Little Nell tonight (the nicest place in town, ok, well maybe the St. Regis is nicer, but Nell is romantic). And he'll probably scatter rose petals all around and stuff. I just couldn't deal.

4. Then I realized tomorrow is Easter, and I will be utterly and completely alone. I know I need to go to church and God and I really need to have a one on one bigtime. But why does he have to make Easter on the last day of the ski season, and it is dumping snow right now. Does God have Yahoo Instant Messenger? That would be good, I haven't been to church in so long, maybe I will just set up the shrine and pray for a while.

5. My friend dropped me off at home a bit ago, and going to his car, he said, "Let me get your skis". And I just completely lost it. I used to love it when my boyfriend would carry my skis. I felt so special. I don't know why, I just LOST it. He was like are you going to be OK.. But I am still tripping over it. Maybe my friend is just a caring person and a gentlemen. But as my girlfriend told me, "You need to butch up". She's a lesbian, but she is absolutely right.

Why, why can't I just be satisfied being alone in single.
I mean I like to sleep in the middle of the bed,
who doesn't.
But he would let me sleep in the middle
and hunch up of to the one side,
and let me put my ice cold feet under his warm ones.
And have the newspaper on the table when I rolled out of bed,
I needed that.
And the fireplace would always be going
and the house would be all warm and cozy.
But it's cold now, and I'm almost out of wood,
and I don't even bother with the paper anymore.

I don't know how this relates,
but this is a song from A perfect Circle
called 3 Libras, and it is just a sick song:

3 Libras

threw you the obvious
and you flew
with it on your back,
a name in your recollection,
down among a million same.
difficult not to feel
a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked but oblivious
and you don't
see me.
but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more
behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from
the wounded.
but i see
see through it all
and see you.
cause i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind
the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well.
oh well.
apparently nothing.
apparently nothing at all.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

why it's called 3 Libras I'm not sure,
I think 3 Libras can form a Perfect Circle.
And you know what else is weird is that 3 is my number.
But it certainly refers to the nature of a Libra to trust
and to try and try and try to see what's behind the hurt and untrust.

Mon dieu.

It will get better.
It will get better.
Like she said, "Butch up"
ok, I feel better...

but my page is still white not blue like it's supposed to be,
it was, once in like the last three days, and then stopped,
it wants to be white.
Ok, then, you go blog, do your own thing.

posted by meesh at 6:01 PM

wFriday, April 18, 2003

This is a picture of Aspen mountain during this crazy race they do every year,
called the 24 hours of Aspen.
The mountain looks so SICK when they light it up like that.
SO this is the base of the mountain,
the run is called Little Nell
which drops you basically in the middle of town
and the Gondola, or Gondoobie as we like to often call it.

So anyway this race involves all the top ski racers from around the world
and they LITERALLY ski for 24 mother freaking hours straight. Insane, huh?
To go from summit to base it takes the racers like maybe 2, 2 and a half minutes
to ski down about 3 miles. They get up to nearly 100 mph, coming throught the gulch.
The Gondola takes you back up to the summit (about 3300 feet) in 15 minutes,
longer if it gets windy.
In fact they had to stop the race for like 2 hours because the wind was howling that night.
so the racers warm up and take naps, and eat and stuff during that time.
More than half the people don't finish

Cool facts:

1. More than 800 volunteers are needed to put on the race, many of whom stay up the entire 24 hours. (Including me!!!)
2. During the race, competitors consume 600 bananas, 50 pounds of cooked pasta, 20 pounds of cooked rice and 20 pounds of cooked potatoes.
3. Racers munch on about 200 Balance bars; volunteers polish off another 1,300. (I had about 7)
4. Each racer drinks about eight gallons of hot PowerAde and five gallons of water.
5. The java-loving racers, volunteers and media consume 5,500 cups of coffee. (I had about 30)
6. Ski techs from local ski shops provide approximately 750 ski tunes/wax jobs throughout the race.
7. Each racer uses up to 5 pairs of skis (the minimum recommended number to rotate is three.)
8. The coldest temperatures to date were recorded in 1997 when it reached -15°F (not including wind chill.)
9. Over the course of 24 sleepless hours, racers spend about 3 hours skiing, 1 hour loading in the lower gondola, and 20 hours resting their weary legs in the gondola.
10. Racers have been clocked skiing as fast as 99 m.p.h. through an area of the course called Spar Gulch.
11. More than 300,000 watts of power are needed to light up the course during the night.
12. Unlike classic endurance events, like marathons and triathlons, this challenging race requires short bursts of anaerobic activity (usually between two and three minutes on the slopes) alternated with about 15 minutes of rest (while riding the gondola to the top).
13. Bathroom breaks? No way. On the gondola racers use Ziploc baggies and "necessity buckets" lined with plastic bags and kitty litter.
14. Racers crave chocolate cake, sushi or pizza? No problem. Volunteers are on hand to supply racers with any food they want. Aspen's City Market is just a three-minute jog from the base of Aspen Mountain. Plus, Domino's delivers.
15. Inside the gondola cars, skiers are wrapped in special comforters developed from NASA technology designed to cool warm bodies, warm cool bodies, and help flush lactic acid from tired muscles.
16. The Iowa-based company that provides all of the lighting along the nearly three-mile race course begins setting up a week before the race, working only in the evenings after the mountain closes.
17. Spectators can watch the race from the bleachers at the base of the gondola (bleachers seat about 200 people). Plus, the gondola will be open to the public at night during the race. Spectators can ride to the top of the mountain and enjoy hot chocolate and strudel while they cheer on the racers.
18. In '98, various fundraising events surrounding the 24 Hours race raised a record $1.2 million to benefit the Silver Lining Foundation and the Aspen Valley Ski/Snowboard Club.
19.The most vertical feet skied in 24 hours by a man is 271,161 (83 laps.) Earning the nickname "Superman," Chris Kent of Canada set the world record in 1991. The record still stands.
20. Surprisingly, racers don't want to sleep right after the grueling race. Most of them compare notes and re-live the action at a post-race party at the Sky Hotel (official race headquarters) immediately following the closing ceremonies. (Kick-ass Party!!))
21. It's not unusual to find racers, in full ski gear with trophies in hand, reveling in the lodge Jacuzzi.

Well thought I'd share one of the cooler things that goes on in Aspen,
alll Winter there was just some killer party or celebration every week.
Sadly I missed out on a lot cause of the loser guy I was blinded by.

Some come visit!
I need a roomie!!!!

posted by meesh at 6:53 PM

wTuesday, April 15, 2003

(Why is it freaking white, I'm blue god damn it BLUE?!??!?!Q?!?)

Three thirty in the morning
Not a soul in sight
The city's lookin' like a ghost town
On a moonless summer night
Raindrops on the windshield
There's a storm moving in
He's headin' back from somewhere
That he never should have been
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls


the storm IS moving in.
It is sort of a combination of hail, wet snow, driving straight down.

I love when the weather matches your mood.
Maybe it is all the electricity in the air.
Like Spring Fever is a real phenomenon.
I am feeling it.
I just hope it dumps a foot or so,
Sunday the last of the 4 mountains closes.
Time to put away our winter toys and break out the summer ones.
What's weird is it was 65 2 days ago, and I was getting baked poolside
(by the sun).

This was taken at the top of Elk Camp in Snowmass 12, 000= feet up.
I've been faking smiles alot lately it sucks.
This one was real, super happy ski day.
I want to be old meeshy again,
the sunshine,
the smiles,
young healthy boys by my side.
Maybe if we all think it together it will come true.
I believe in that.

The Dalai Lama said great love and great achievements involve great risk.
What do you think about that?
I risked so much that now my heart is choking me with the big chunks it's been ripped apart into.
And the really sad part is I still love him madly,
as I pack up pictures and find old cards,
toss them into the fireplaces, memories of 2 years of my life up in smoke.
I could never do what he did.
Sure I reacted freakishly.
That's not love, that's self-love, selfishness, and hatred so bad for yourself.
Why do I always want to be the angel to save someone?
Can I be bitter now?

This is my super cute Swedish friend Aisha, isn't she just tres adorable??
She needs a boyfriend, she is the best. And nearly legal.
Ok boys start planning your Aspen adventures this summer.
We'll be waiting and in dire need of some sexual healing.
Me, I just need a certain Santa Cruz boy,
who makes me smile like I smiled
before I forgot how to smile.

posted by meesh at 1:45 PM


Secret forces are bringing compatible spirits together.
If the man permits himself to be led by this ineffable attraction,
good fortune will come his way.
When deep friendships exist,
formalities and elaborate preparations are not necessary.

-I Ching (B.C. 1150?)
-Chinese Book of Changes

Times of general calamity and confusion have ever been
productive of the greatest minds.
The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace,
and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm.

-Colton (1780-1832)English Sportsman and Writer

posted by meesh at 1:25 PM

wSunday, April 13, 2003

I'm washing Valium down with Hennessey right now.
Yeah that's bad, I know, but being bad feels pretty good sometimes.
It comes straight from Portugal 10 mg x 100 for 96 bucks. best deal in town.
Order yours today, but keep it it on the DL.

Anyone want to rescue me from this eclectic mountain town?
I feel like I'm stuck in the some mountains like some 2 day hike into the Tibetan Annapurnas..
I'd start a Save Meesh fund or some shit, a la whatever the beez natches name was Kate, that's not it? somethin.
but I got backing and I just hate to fucking ask for shit. But god damn, I could use some warm sand a bucket of Coronas and a tree house in Costa.


posted by meesh at 9:55 PM


For Johnny:

Someday when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

You're lovely with your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft;
There is nothing for me but to love you,
Just the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart.
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart.

Lovely, never, never change,
Keep that breathless charm,
Won't you please arrange it.
'Cause I love you,
Just the way you look tonight

I wish I made it up for you love, but it's Sinatra baby, (and Tony Bennet?). someone correct me.
(Music by Jerome Kern
with lyrics Dorothy Fields)

posted by meesh at 5:22 AM